On January 18th of last year I found myself broke, sick and frustrated. I had no money, my boyfriend had no money, and I had lost my job selling cars. I was terribly sad and feeling hopeless. My boyfriend went to the store to buy some things and I saw my opportunity. When he came home the bathroom door was closed. He called for me but I was focused. I was trying to step onto the chair that was against the door. He tried to open it and I rushed to unwrap the belt from around my neck and threw it in the tub behind the curtain. I figured I didn’t have enough time to hang myself now so I opened the door trying to look “okay.” He saw the chair, he heard the noise the belt made and looked in the tub… A couple minutes later I weighed the option of going to the hospital (Baker Acting myself.) But then the thought crossed my mind that that wouldn’t solve my problem.
It was then and there that I realized what the phrase “Can’t live with or without it,” meant. I was miserable while I was using. I shook, threw up everything, I couldn’t even brush my teeth good without gagging and throwing up. I was tired and miserable. But on January 18th 2016, I found myself trying to hang myself because I had no money for more. I finally understood what powerless meant. I was not in control of anything. I had been to The Watershed once before in 2014. I convinced myself if I quit drugs and only drank, then things would be better. I didn’t want to be a drug addict. But since leaving, I got an apartment, got a great job, and a brand new Mini Cooper. But I lost the job, and the car was repossessed. It was only a matter of time before I was homeless.
I called The Shed again and prayed I could come back. That day my boyfriend dropped me off and my life began. I was so beaten down by life that I approached recovery differently than any other time. I was doing things I didn’t want to do. They suggested that I pray and believe in a Higher Power I could trust. I prayed until I believed. They suggested I get a sponsor and be honest. I got a sponsor, argued with her, and learned the beauty and value of sponsorship. They suggested I get a home group. I got two and made coffee, greeted everyone, and became the GSR. I was terrified of going back to the life I had. Finally getting a piece of recovery-my spirit was at peace. I didn’t get angry over every little thing. I started to work on my childhood abuse and I was actually happy.
The Watershed gave me a safe place to learn how to live. I was surrounded by people who wanted what I wanted and had fun learning how to change. And the change was beautiful. I felt like a human again. I got pregnant a little after my 6 months. Some people asked me “you still going to meetings? You should be okay-you’re pregnant.” But I know not to underestimate this disease. It doesn’t care if I have a life growing inside me. It doesn’t care if “90 days is the longest I’ve ever had-and hey this must mean I’m okay. I can manage”. It’s cunning, baffling and powerful. It tells me things I can believe. It sounds like me and looks like me.
I’m glad I finally got real and honest about what and who I am. One time for Heather, who pushed me to believing in myself. Walter, for truly understanding and having a group that I could open up in. Violet, for inspiring me to be a strong woman that can heal from anything. Wykesa for stirring up the leader in me.
RIP Rachel, Olivia, Bear and Erick.